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An Inspector Calls - by Sarah Ventress
The Headmaster, the Lower Master and anybody on the staff of St Edward’s School with the word “Senior” in their title were sitting around one end of the board-room table with bowl-sized glasses of wine clutched in their hands and anxious expressions furrowed into their faces. They were all looking at the Headmaster, with the exception of the great man himself, who was gazing intelligently out of the window.
“Well we’ll just have to put Operation Indigo into action sooner than we thought,” said Dr Halliday, the Senior Common Room President and the oldest member of staff at the school. “The nerve of these people.”
“Ay simply can’t see whay we can’t just put them orf,” boomed Lady Inglethorpe, the Senior (and only) Parental Representative.
“It doesn’t work like that,” Miss Scudbury, the eminently sensible Senior Mistress, cut in. “They have decided to inspect us. It is their prerogative to choose the date, and to change it if they will.”
“But two week’s notice! Really.”
“Right.” The Headmaster had spoken. Silence reigned. “We cannot change the date of the Inspection. I have spoken personally this afternoon with the Chief Inspector, who informs me that the short notice is unavoidable and irrevocable. Bill and I have prepared a twelve-step recovery programme that constitutes Operation Indigo, a plan to prepare the school for its inspection. Bill?” Anyone could have been forgiven for thinking that Bill Barnsley, the Lower Master, with his head sunk into his shoulder and one eye only slightly open, was asleep or even dead. But he immediately looked downwards and began to read in a long nasal grunt, his mouth hardly opening and his expression barely changing.
“Step One. The ICT department will be paid overtime to teach members of staff how to use their laptops and Smart Boards.” There were blank faces around the room at the phrase “Smart Board”, but all nodded wisely. “Step Two. Twenty of the most regularly offending pupils will be summoned to me after their next crime is detected, and will be suspended for the Inspection week. Step Three. The funds tirelessly raised for the new girls’ hockey pitch will be temporarily channelled into the catering budget. Step Four. A new on-the-spot fine for sloppy uniform will be enforced by all members of staff, who may keep all proceeds from their fining. Step Five. The dormitories in the basement of the boys’ boarding house will be kept locked during the day and relabelled as Store Cupboards. Step Six. Teachers will be paid a cash bonus based on the report given to their individual department. Step Seven. The first fifteen rugby match on the Saturday of inspection week will be changed so we are playing against St Martin’s School for the Partially Blind. Step Eight. The Staff Smoking Room will be made off-limits, sprayed with air-freshener and relabelled as a photocopying room. Step Nine. Phone calls will be made to every public house within a two-mile radius warning them that we will report any licensee serving a Ted’s pupil to the police. Step Ten. The first bell before every lesson will secretly ring five minutes earlier. Step Eleven. There will be a homework amnesty until the day of the inspection to allow pupils to do and teachers to mark all outstanding work. Step Twelve. The Head of Classics must be got rid of at all costs.” The Lower Master drew breath and relapsed into his previous living death. All were silent.
“Step Twelve does pose a bit of a problem,” ruminated the Headmaster. “I wonder how we can do it.” The Senior Management screwed up their eyes, racked their brains and 1 | 2 NEXT |
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